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[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]More than anything in life, we want to be seen. And part of being seen is the ability to see others. In other words, we need to become the type of seeing we want in this world. why is this important? How is it not? Especially during a time when depression and suicide rates are on the rise. A whopping 36 percent of Americans report feeling serios loneliness. Fifty-four percent of Americans report feeling as though no one knows them well at least sometimes, if not always. Between 1990 and 2021, the number of people who say they have no close personal friends has quadrupled. How can we create more fulfilling friendships and meaningful interactions? David Brooks, a journalist, cultural commentator and author whose latest book is How to Know a Person, has some very useful tips for transforming small talk into something much bigger. To begin with Brooks, divides people into two categories, diminishers and illuminators. Diminishers are incurious people, the kind of person who never asks you any questions about yourself. They see people as objects to be used; not as persons to be cared for. they make people feel invisible and unseen. Illuminators are authentically curious about what makes a person tick. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected and lit up. They’re good at asking questions, they’re wonderful to be around. Being an illuminator is not something you have to be born with, it’s an acquired skill, like typing or carpentry. According to Brooks, here's what it takes to see others deeply and feel deeply seen.

How to have better conversations

Start small

Being an attentive listener begins before you utter a word. The first act, says Brooks, “is simply showing a warm gaze to somebody, whether it’s at a coffee shop or at home when you’re hosting a dinner.” The second step, which you can layer on, is to add some playful small talk. Small talk is a way to feel safe and build trust. Try: If you’re not sure where to begin, try extending a creative compliment to someone, noting their style or swagger or spring in their step. If you need inspo, check out comedian Troy Hawke’s off-the-cuff compliments.

Ask skillful questions

If you take a blunt, challenging approach to conversation, you will be met with a strong wall of defenses. Brooks recommends not asking the standard “What do you think about this” question. Instead, he suggests the more expansive and generative “How did you come to believe this?” This kind of question gets people in storytelling mode, which allows you to see a more complicated version of who they are. Another good conversation question is: Tell me more about why you think that. This allows someone to expand and expound on an opinion and dig into the circumstances that helped shaped the belief. In any conversation, the first task is to stand in the other person’s viewpoint. By eliciting a story, you get a feel for the person’s values and you begin to see a more nuanced version of who they are. As Jennifer Finney Boylan, an author and transgender activist says, "It's impossible to hate someone whose story you know." With understanding comes respect, and quite possibly reverence, which Brooks declares is an absolute precondition for seeing someone well. Try: Asking questions that imply judgement, such as where did you go to school or what do you do for a living, or are yes/no questions, tend to preclude interesting answers. Instead of the perennial dud, “how was your day today?”, try “in what ways did you feel accomplished today?”.

Convey enthusiastic listening

Asking questions is only half of a good conversation. The other half is listening with all of one’s attention. Cliched questions and half-baked listening are core predictors of shallow conversations. Brooks suggests becoming a loud listener, one that listens “so actively you’re burning calories.” It goes almost without saying that to be a loud listener you need to put away your phone. Even if you think you can multitask skillfully, you can’t. And the distraction affects both you and your conversation partner. Research published by the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology in 2018 showed that people who used their phones during conversations felt more distracted and experienced less overall enjoyment. Try: Next time you are in conversation, try encouraging affirmations, your versions of with “amen,” “aha” and “yes!”.

Put your guard down

Brooks shares in his book that there is research to support that we are reluctant to start conversations because we underestimate how much we will enjoy them. Since writing the book, Brooks says, he is much more willing to talk to strangers at a bar or on a train rather that stay safely ensconced in his headphones. In opening up to strangers, and getting a peek into another’s world, he talks about the value of storytelling conversations that let you experience their experience. He writes, “the most important part of people’s lives is not what happened to them, but how they experienced what happened to them. So many of the best conversations are not just a recitation of events. They involve going over and over an event, seeing it from wider perspectives coating it with new layers of emotion, transforming it, so that, say, an event that was very hard to live through is now very satisfying to remember.” Try: Get over the hump of personal self-absorption and worry about how you are being perceived, what social psychologists have dubbed “the liking gap.” Spending a lot of time evaluating yourself or worrying about what others think of you interferes with connecting with others. So fuggetaboutit. See what opens up when you are not running constant internal interference.

The generosity of seeing others and feeling seen

As Brooks notes, if you shine your attention on someone, they blossom. It’s a very generous act to make someone feel seen. If you ask people, “Tell me about a time you felt seen,” a softness overcomes them and they will describe, in glowing terms, a magic moment in their lives where someone just got them. Do that for others, and you will find a mutuality and reciprocity creep into your relationships. Try: Don’t fear the pause. Rather than thinking about your response while the other person is still talking, let the person talk. And when the person is finished with the thought, rather than jumping in, allow the pause to be there to absorb what was said, to take it in. Then you can what response arises out of the intelligence of the moment.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_text_separator title="Featured Products" border_width="2"][vc_row_inner equal_height="yes" content_placement="middle" gap="35"][vc_column_inner width="1/3"][vc_single_image image="173235" img_size="full" alignment="center" onclick="custom_link" img_link_target="_blank" css=".vc_custom_1708913874476{padding-right: 7% !important;padding-left: 7% !important;}" link="https://www.vitacost.com/himalaya-hello-peace"][/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width="1/3"][vc_single_image image="173234" img_size="full" alignment="center" onclick="custom_link" img_link_target="_blank" css=".vc_custom_1708913901008{padding-right: 7% !important;padding-left: 7% !important;}" link="https://www.vitacost.com/solaray-briteside-joy-boost-formula"][/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width="1/3"][vc_single_image image="173233" img_size="full" alignment="center" onclick="custom_link" img_link_target="_blank" css=".vc_custom_1708913918359{padding-right: 7% !important;padding-left: 7% !important;}" link="https://www.vitacost.com/olly-hello-happy"][/vc_column_inner][/vc_row_inner][/vc_column][/vc_row]